Bad news never had good timing

The past month or so has been emotionally draining on me. I have decided it is time to open up about it because I am not sure that I can comprehend what all has been happening, or many others for that matter. For me, writing feelings and thoughts down, helps me to understand what I am feeling. At the end of Spring Break a friend of mine passed away from cancer. She was 21 and was so full of life, love, and happiness. The moment I found out of her passing I was frozen. In a crowded room of people I felt alone, confused, and my eyes began to water. I could not understand how someone so amazing was now gone. At such a young age too. It has taken time for me to move on. Normally with a tragedy like this, most people don't expect much more too soon. I stupidly asked myself, "What next, could this get worse?" Yes. yes it could. A few days later I was playing soccer and went up for a head ball that was way too hard. My whole head shook and it took me a second to get back to playing, but I thought nothing of it. Later that game I got hit again in the back of my head, and felt a little off. I went in for the night, showered, and started homework. About five minutes into typing an essay I began getting a grueling headache. I could not concentrate, so I went to bed. The next morning was not much better. I woke with a headache, was exhausted, and felt awful. Later in the day I thought it'd be in my best interest to be seen. Long story short, I told I had a minor concussion. This news for anyone is not the best, but I'd like to think this was the last thing I needed to hear. This meant no more soccer for awhile. My main outlet and source of happiness at college is soccer. The sport itself, the stress relief it offers, and the people have become something so meaningful for me. Now that this was temporarily gone I was...I was PISSED. Like what was I going to do? Within the upcoming days it didn't get much better. I found myself sleeping A LOT. My motivation was down and I was not headed in a good direction, mentally, physically, and academically. The symptoms got so bad that I began missing classes. I slowly began feeling alone, helpless, and like nothing was going to look up. As the world continued on, my personal world was slowly shattering. I realized one night how bad I felt and went outside, sat against a wall, and just balled my eyes out. I felt like I could not keep up with my school work as I had been doing in the past and I couldn't play soccer to make any of this stress better. That evening I just banged my head against a wall three times, in hopes maybe I could numb the pain, pass out, anything to escape the hellish thoughts. Once this wasn't working for me, I sort of pulled myself together enough to give myself a pep talk to get through the evening. The next morning I scheduled to see a counselor on campus because I was not who I used to be. I was put in, but not for another week. The entire week leading up to this appointment I had people reaching out saying I seemed off, checking in, etc. For me these emotions were new and I didn't understand what in the world was happening to me. I just responded with, "I'm okay." I WAS NOT FINE and I knew it, but I didn't know how to say that, or who would understand. Frankly, as I am getting more into this post I am surprised I am able to open up this much. Side note, that is important to me. I am NOT looking for sympathy here. I am telling it how it is. College is tough and mental health is a real thing, that even the seemingly most happy, outgoing people struggle with. So fast forward to my appointment with the school counselor, I was told I had depression. I swear my heart stopped beating and I stopped breathing for a few seconds. My mind kept going, "How, What, Me?" Most people who know me understand that I try to live life with a positive view and I tend to look out for those around me. Since talking some things out with people and dissecting what I had been told, I came to my own conclusion. I forgot how to look out for myself. I forgot how to be in control of my thoughts. This is something that I am now working towards, however it is difficult. My experience so far has been many unwanted thoughts and feeling completely trapped in my own mind. I want to scream. I want to run, but at the same time I also just want silence and peace. The seemingly easy strategy is to end it all. Why not put myself out of this misery? You know why, because I have a family, I have friends, I have people that love me. I have people that look up to me. I have A LIFE TO LIVE. These words, I have had to repeat to myself so many damn times. I am almost tired of it. I want to give up but I know I can't. In this moment I am struggling, almost too much some days. What keeps me going is that I KNOW at some point within the next day, month, or year, I will have accomplished more by being here than not. I have goals and I want to achieve them. The present moment is not the best present I could be getting but the lessons and strength that I am gaining will be worth it. Just this past Friday (4/22) I was driving back from college for Passover and was almost run off the road by another vehicle. I LEGIT saw my life flash before my eyes. I was driving in the right lane and a car in the passing lane was not going the speed limit so I began passing them on the right and the next thing I new their car was almost in the side of mine. First I honked, then I tried swerving to the right shoulder, but they kept drifting. All while this was happening I was trying to put my brakes on (stupid, but that was an instinct.) When you're going 80 MPH stopping instantly doesn't happen. I had lost control on my car and almost flipped off the side of the road. SOMEHOW I came to a stop, still on the road, but shaken up. I could have died. In a split second I could have been gone. The earlier weeks, I could have done some stupid stuff and been gone, but I am still here. For me this is a sign that I have a purpose, and I need to keep pushing. I don't know that purpose right now, but I know I have encountered some hell like, near death situations, and I can overcome them. Just this evening (4/23) I learned of the passing of a student from my high school a year younger than me who had died in a car accident. Again, the news of death to someone close in the community left me at a loss for words. Not only did it leave me at a loss for words, but opened A LOT of thoughts. Why this kid? How was I in a situation where I was seconds from being killed, yet am still here? This is one of those instances where life gets put in perspective. Many prayers go out to this young student's family. I am working less on questioning and trying to accept that I am here, and I need to do what I can with the tools available to me to make my world a better place, and spreading that on to others. If you have made it to this point in the post, thank you! That is incredible, I am glad my words are somewhat intriguing. I know it was a heavy post, but too many people have been asking what is wrong and I have not been able to put it into words. Again, I am not looking for pity and "sorry." I wrote this to help heal myself as well as let others know that I, Erin Wides, with the happy personality am struggling, have hit rock bottom, and am coming up. If you, you reading this, EVER need someone to listen or talk to, please let me help. I know the feeling, and it is awful. I also know what it is like to work on the thoughts and feelings, and bettering myself. Again, thank you for reading this. Remember to always be kind and understanding because we don't know what others are going through.