Get yourself a library card to help ease the unfamiliar

Well, I woke up this morning with this odd feeling in my stomach. One that's become a little more familiar since being here.

I began to have, what I can best describe as, a semi panic attack. I began shaking, I felt out of control of my breathing, and then fell to my bathroom floor in a full blown cry.

What a way to start the morning. Wasn't the plan but maybe it was a sign to reset.

After a few minutes I got myself up, stood in the shower, sobbed some more, and let the warm water fall over my hurt and worries. As pitiful as this sounds it's real life. And I believe it's real life for a lot of people, we just don't share it.

Today I wanted to share this to let people know this happens. It's okay. It doesn't feel okay, and it feels like your world is crashing down on you and the little you thought you knew. But it gets better, even if only for a bit.

I got out of the shower, put on a oversized sweatshirt, shorts, and sat on my chair overlooking the foggy parking lot. Leaves, just now meeting the asphalt, and a few cars parked in their spots. I was lonely. I am lonely.

I reached out to a few friends, because that's the only thing that has kept me feeling okay. Whenever I feel upset I know I've got a handful of people I can vent to, brainstorm, and just gain comfort from.

But that gets tiring. Always feeling like I need someone else, why am I not enough for myself?

Then I had a moment, Erin you are enough. YOU ARE IN CONTROL. Be intentionally courageous to get out of the place you're in right now, mentally, and go out.

So I did that. I went to library to get my library card, checked out three books. All which I hope will help guide me in this new phase of life. I also just need to read more. I've got the time on the weekends and there's nothing wrong with making friends with books!

I'd say that's the best piece of advice I can give to someone in a new place. Get a library card. Go read. Sit in new places, with new books, learn new things. Stay curious about familiar things.

So now I am sitting in a coffeehouse, writing this, hoping I can grow from this morning's event. I can't wait for the day when I stop feeling sick in the morning and can just wake up and take on the day, my life.

And oy, the idea of getting to look back at this point in my life and speak about it with my head high and hope in my voice, that helps me. I know this has to be a growth thing, I have to be gaining more from these experiences than I know right now.

I was driving last night through the hills, at sunset, and recognized what nature was putting in front of me. While driving in the depths of the hills, the sun was hidden from where I was, but simply looking up a bit, and continuing to drive forward, I could see the sun on the tippy tops of trees. The last bit of light for the day, but non the less light. It's there, even when you're in a dark place, you just have to look up a little.

I also read a quote by Brené Brown that really just lit me up!

"If you choose courage, you will absolutely know failure, disappointment, setback, even heartbreak. That's why we call it courage. That's why it's so rare."