Note to Self

So I am not sure what took me so long to finally open this book, and digest the wisdom in Connor's words. But, better late than never, right?! The past few weeks for me have been so emotionally draining. I feel like....well actually I don't feel much of anything. Fear is the most apparent emotion. It's scary to feel fear and feel like I have no way to combat it. I don't know what I'm doing in life, and not sure how to explain that to people. Connor had a reassuring quote, "My struggle, my pain, my grief, my despair, my tears- they're not uncommon. They're shared. And once something is shared it loses its isolating potential." This helped me a little bit. A lot of times I ask myself, if I could do anything in the world--college, money, other's opinions wouldn't get in the way, what would I do? I sit and wait for all of these ideas to come flowing in. My mind is constantly going. For a moment it is still, and I just don't know. I have an idea, I know whatever I do has to involve helping people. I think something along the line of motivational speaking sounds like something that I would enjoy. Then comes the question, how do I help others, when my own emotions are a mess? So now I am stuck doing what most everyone else is doing. Going to college, and "just figuring it out." One of my strengths and weaknesses is wanting to have a passion for everything that I do. If I become uncertain for a long amount of time, I feel like it then is best to drop that hobby, project, or relationship. I am not at all saying that my first two years at college were a waste of time. If anything they were some of the most healing periods of my life. I want to return for the people and the environment. But my classes, I just don't know. I am hoping this is a phase, and I'll get over it. However, another great reminder from NTS, privilege doesn't diminish internal struggles. Attending college is a privilege. Growing up in the city I grew up in, has been a privilege. Being white, has been a privilege. Having a job, a privilege. Being able to type this on an Apple computer, a privilege. Having a support system (even if they're miles and miles away), a privilege. You get it, I am privileged in many ways, and it is important to take time to reflect on those privileges. However, in deep, dark times of emotional and internal struggle, none of that matters. Call me selfish, naive, or ungrateful for typing that. You'll never have felt the exact feelings I've felt, or had to pull yourself up from rock bottom, time and time again, in the manner I have had to. Plainly said, it's hard and it sucks. Somehow writing it out has been cathartic. There have been too many days that I can't get out of bed, or have had to fake a smile, for me to continue holding it in. Through more posts I hope others are able to relate to something that I have written or shared. This game called life, the human condition, however you want to refer to it, there's all beauty in it all. It just takes finding the time to appreciate the small things and keep hope. I won't give up, promise me you won't give up. "We'll find a way, like the sun does everyday, we'll make the world a little bit brighter today." (One of the lyrics I wrote last semester and I'm pretty proud of it :))